Why Volleyball Makes Me Gain Weight

Volleyball is bad for my health.

Last month I began playing volleyball twice a week. It started as part of a larger plan to reintroduce activity into my schedule and help me lose weight. Little did I know that volleyball unleashes inner demons of low self-esteem and inadequacy.

Half of the problem is that volleyball is a sport invented for senior citizens and played by junior high girls, neither one of which should be able to hold a candle to the athletic prowess of a 32-year-old American male, no matter how out-of-shape he is. The other half of the problem is that at one time (more than 50 pounds ago), I was a slightly above average athlete. At least that's the way I remember it.

So I started playing volleyball with our church team. Our "competition" was harmless-looking gaggles of assorted non-athletic bystanders who wandered into the gym and said, "Sure, I'll play this deceptively simple game of bouncing a big white ball back and forth between two groups of people who just stand there waiting for the ball to gently fall their way." My biggest fear was that they wouldn't provide enough of a challenge for me to break a sweat.

At first I didn't mind not knowing what to do. I openly asked questions, did research, and watched players better than me, expecting to quickly catch up and overtake them, at which point I would begin to give out little coaching tips to gently encourage the non-athletes. I certainly didn't expect to have any lasting difficulty.

Instead, even as my volleyball vocabulary grew, my ability to actually perform what I'd learned remained stubbornly undeveloped. My weight and age dulled my reflexes and interfered with my well-researched intentions. I was slower, weaker, and less coordinated than I had ever known myself to be. I was dismayed at my underperfomance – something you can't easily hide in volleyball – in fact a good opponent is drawn to it like a shark smells blood in the water.

Being a perfectionist with a penchant for self-loathing, I then punished myself after each dismal performance with a milk shake from Dairy Queen. Thus the vicious self-destructive cycle begins. If I continue to not meet the impossible standards I expect of myself then my stress-eating and melancholy will continue, thus hindering my ability to ever play up to my expectations.

What I need is to not take it so seriously, living and dying with every point. I need to look at how I've improved, not what I still lack, finding fault and criticizing my every mistake. I need to not import my feelings about things I can't control into a friendly game of volleyball. And I especially need to lose weight, so my play will improve, so I'll be encouraged to lose more weight.

[sigh]

Just imagine if I'd taken up golf instead; I'd weigh 500 pounds by now…